Selfishness

Selfishness

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The quality or state of being selfish; exclusive regard to one's own interest or happiness; that supreme self-love or self-preference which leads a person to direct his purposes to the advancement of his own interest, power, or happiness, without regarding those of others.


Hmmmm....

I think I'm being selfish. After taking care of my boisterous 3 year old for 7 hours, then adding my 5 year old.

DH decides to go hunt for awhile. I tell him to go ahead. He doesn't often do things that aren't making or saving him money. He needs a little time out.

So now I'm going on 10 hours of sole kid responsiblity.

My heart sings when I hear DH talking on the phone on the porch. He is, at long last, home from hunting. I can take off my mom hat and put on the sign that says "GO ASK YOUR DAD."

DH comes in the house and starts taking off his hunting clothes. Tells me he needs to go work on our Belair. Asks me if I will handle the no scent washing that needs to be done to his clothes. Puts all the camo in a nice pile in the middle of my living room floor. Gets dressed in street clothes. Tells me to turn on my phone and he will text me pictures of the car.

I ask what time he will be leaving for the Hunter Safety Course tomorrow. He said he would find out and let me know, but probably first thing in the morning. He wants to take our Godson to breakfast before class.

So after all my waking hours are spent dealing with nuturing and loving my children I can look forward to nuturing them all day tomorrow.

But I do have a light at the end of my tunnel. I have book club tomorrow. I can leave at 5. If he's home from class by then.

I hate that I selfishly want him home so he can shoulder some of the kid burden. I mean, he works 50 hours in 4 days. Then works all day today on his mom's heating ditches for her new house and outdoor woodburner. He'll spend tomorrow at a Hunter Safety Course with our Godson. While I do grocery shopping with my children.

He'll spend Sunday cutting wood for my Grandma. While I'm at church.

Then we will go to life group together.

Then Monday he'll go to work and come home around 5 - leave for dog class around 6 - be home around 9 after kids are in bed.

He'll leave Tuesday morning around 3 am for out of state. Come home after I'm in bed Tuesday night. Go in to work 7 or so on Wednesday, hopefully be home so I can do my coupon shopping Wednesday night.

That's my night out. I am killing two birds with one stone. Well more than two birds. I'm shopping for my family. I am saving money by using coupons. I am having fun with JJ.

He'll be in bed when I get home because he needs to be up again at 3 a.m. to leave the state again. He'll be home Thursday night after I'm in bed. Friday he will either do more work for his mom at her new place, or cut wood. Saturday he'll either work on the car, or cut wood. Sunday he will cut wood. He sells it ya know.

And I feel guilty asking for an evening of not wearing the only parent hat. I am leaving for 4 days in a few weeks. He will be the only one wearing that hat. Unless his mom comes and stays. He hasn't said if she was or not.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Having a down day when I wish I was still on antidepressants. This weather doens't help.

I feel like Eyeore on Winnie the Pooh. Blah. I hate it.

Tomorrow will be better, I know it.

My hypocricy only goes so far....

...that great quote is from the movie TOMBSTONE.

It came to my mind last night after mulling over a conversation DH and I had.

We have this friend. We will call him The Mentor. The Mentor and my DH are pretty close. My husband looks upon situations and thinks "what would Jesus do and what would The Mentor do". As The Mentor is an all around great guy, I encourage this.

During his daylight hours, The Mentor works a professional job. He is in a fairly high position. An opening has come up in his department and its his responsiblity to hire someone to fill this position.

After perusing the resumes he finds a local gal. Her resume looks fantastik. He calls the company that she did her internship with. Glowing reviews. They couldn't say enough great things about her.

Now the Mentor is really pumped. He thinks he's found the girl.

Then he goes on Myspace. Looks up all of the potential employees.

Let me just advise anyone that is thinking about applying for a job. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have ANYTHING on your myspace page that you wouldn't want the following people to see:

Your Grandma

God

Jesus

Your mom

Your pastor

Your employer

This girl - who probably would be FANTASTIK at her job - is now not even going to get an interview call because of her Myspace page.

Do I think this is wrong? 100%

Do I think that it happens? All the time.

Here's the thing...I understand that an employer doesn't want to have immature sex addicts hanging around them.

As DH says...you are who you hang out with. You are who you put out there.

I looked up one of the profiles. I didn't see anything that would point to a potentional psycho path. I saw nothing that would indicate that she couldn't do that job.

But I'm not judgmental. I don't stay away from people with issues.

What a HUGE missed opportunity to introduce someone to the awesomeness of Christ and His Love.

I must admit...more walls are going up after this one. I thought the Mentor was pretty open minded.

Shows how wrong I can be. I don't want to be part of a group of people that judges based on your music style or hobbies.

One of these things is not like the other...

Since my change from a working mom to a SAHM I've had some parts of me that are missing. I crave to be part of something that is in no way connected to my family.

I need to get over that. Let me share why.

I decided to sign up for the tech team at my church. I thought it would be fairly simple. I would show up to practice on the week it was my turn to run the board. Then I would run the board on that Sunday. Win/Win for all involved.

Then I attended my first meeting. YEEAAAHHHH, not so much win/win.

First part of the meeting we do a bible devotional. Really a cool thing. This devotional was about Truth. Even better. I like truth. Truth is important in all aspects of life.

Here's where it took a wrong turn. The group leader started talking about how the bible is black and white.

WOOP WOOP WOOP. Warning Warning.

I raise my eyebrows but say nothing, curious as to where this was going to go.

He goes on to say that there are not multiple ways to interprate what God says in the bible. That there is no color in the bible. It's steadfast, it says what it says and that it.

Ok - wait a minute. Last time I checked there were many ways to interprate many things in the bible.

That's what preachers do. They pick a verse and make it work for the theme they are preaching on.

So I started stewing. I was not in a position that I could start spouting my beliefs. I didn't want to be stoned before I completed my first technical training.

Then we went over the rules and requirements for persons wanting to belong to the praise/technical team.

One of the items was that you have to have "Public Life of obedience to God's word - your life outside of church will be observed by many who will see you in the community"

I completely understand why they have that in. People are judgmental by nature. They are EXTRA critical of those that they know are "christians".

Here's where my issue comes in. I do, on occasion, like to go out and tear up the town". I will hit the bars, dance, drink and be loud.

Does this make me less a christian? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that God didn't intend for me to stop having fun because I accepted him as my Lord and Saviour.

However, it does mean that I cannot be a major player in the church, however much my skills may be useful.

Hence the reason I need to quit trying to be part of something outside of my family.

Another step forward in my spiritual walk....

So we all know from my last few posts I've been facing some interesting challenges in my life.

Another challenge that i haven't really talked about had "come to a head" so to speak. Then was addressed in a surprisingly pleasant way.

I've talked about my new Christian friends, and my frustrations with being their friend. Frustrations that, in a surprising turn, were really my fault!

One thing that DH and I have been concerned about lately is not feeling fed or uplifted after leaving church. When we first began about 2 years ago - we felt energized and refreshed after every Sunday.

Over the course of the last 6 months or so it hasn't been that way. We were not so surprised to find that many others felt the same way.

I had been praying about what to do. I figured that we would just have to start looking for another church. Which was painful because of the connections I, and my children, have made. But DH said that he wasn't interested in going to church anymore.

So - low and behold - my washer breaks. So one of the friends, that I was actually so hurt by just a week before, volunteers to let me use her washer.

Long story short, I was there ALL DAY. I shared my concerns with her. She was, most importantly, a listening ear. But then her DH came home. and I was very tense. I'll be honest. I feel as though he always feels he has to wear a false front around me.

But for whatever reason, not that night. Which was a first in over 2 years. And he was interested in what I had to say. I felt he really understood where I was coming from. We connected.

I was able to express my concerns. He was able to come up with feasible solutions - or the beginning steps of the solution.

Needless to say. It was refreshing. Like putting on clean laundry.

As if 2 aren't enough...

I had three today. Kids that is. For some reason my nephew (by marriage) loves to come down here. He plays with my kids for as long as I can stand it. Or my kids can stand it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for playdates. But I usually have a few rules regarding play dates.

1. Not every single day. (Rule broken by the nephew - and subsequently his parents)

2. Usualy playdates are for 2-3 hours, unless the other parent is visiting. Then it can go on and on. When both parents are there to referee and take care of the kids - who cares how long they play? However when it's just one parent - totally not fair for it to be an all day thing unless previously arranged between the parents. (Rule broken by nephew - and subsequently his parents)

3. Always call and ask permission prior to coming over. The provides an out for the parent who would be hosting. This allows the hosting parent to mentally prepare him/herself. (Rule broken by newphew - and subsequently his parents)

Now you are probably wondering why I don't just tell him to go home. He only lives next door. But I HATE being the bad guy. I usually don't have a major reason that he can't play - so what do I do? I sigh and say - ok - you can play for a bit.

Eventually my kids start resenting him. He's not an ideal kid. They come to me and ask me to send him home, which I do - grateful to my children for providing an out.

I was told over a year ago by my sister in law and my mother in law that they felt it was very good for my nephew to play with my daughter (who is a year younger) because he shows him correct behavior and teaches him things.

Have I mentioned that he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer?

But on the same token - because my son is younger - his behaviour after spending time with his cousin - is HORRIBLE. He receives extra discipline events. Which I hate to do - and he hates to receive. However, unacceptable behavious is, well, unacceptable.

I sincerely hope that he stops showing up uninvited once school starts. Or I'm going to have to become "that bitch sister in law".

Sigh.....I hate drama.

It's ok to say no....

Seriously. It is. This is a VERY difficult thing to learn. Especially for women. Most especially for me.

I must admit, because of my inability to say no my house has become neglected. Not the basics of dishes being done, or other mundane tasks such as that.

No, I mean I need to replace my kitchen floor. There is a hole in front of my fridge. A hole large enough for an small animal to get in. That's embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth. Unfortunately, in order to replace the floor I have to move my computer desk. Which has because the hot spot to dump stuff.

So.....I am going to start saying no to fun activities and to spending lazy days reading and to just enjoying my family and friends. No No No. I will focus on mundane chores and pain in the ass repairs.

Ok - who am I kidding?

That's not me.

I'm not going to lie to you or to myself.

Here's the full truth. It will get done. Eventually. I'm not worried about it.

The friends and family that love ME, and I mean MY FAMILY AND ME, and don't give two shits about a hole in my floor, or the clutter on my desk. That's who matters. That's what I am going to spend my energy thinking about.

That's who I'm going to spend time with. Not spend time worrying about what people think about my house or my hole in my floor. Or a stupid supper swap that two people who probably judge me on my house stepped out of. Who needs that kind of drama?? Not me.

I am ZEN.

Friendships

I've learned over the past few weeks that friendships, and my views on friendships, are an ever changing thing.

I have a big problem in that I consistently overshare. While this endears me to my "secular" friends and causes friendships to grow, the same is not to be said of my "spiritual" friends.

This has caused me a lot of heartache.

When I re-dedicated myself to the Lord, and DH dedicated his life - we were so EXCITED! We quickly made a new group of friends that seemed to share the same values and ideas.

I'm sorry to say - but I kinda regret that now. I don't regret making new friends. I regret the pressures that come with these new friendships. And I don't think that is what God intended at all.

Now I am in a quandry. I want to pull away. I want to build walls and withdraw. That's my style. That's what I do when I'm faced with situations I don't like. I withdraw.

If I didn't have children, it would be an easy withdraw. Unfortunately, my children have made friends and will be going to school with a lot of these children. So they will question why we don't go do playdates anymore.

So I guess for now, I will do a subtle withdraw and place the ball in their court. If they contact me and request get togethers - then I will consider it. But it will be guarded. I will be silent. It's not safe to share with them.

What a sad, sad day that I feel as though I'm surrounded by people that make me uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'll be certain not to make that mistake again.